We all love Nollywood, donâ€™t we? Okay, three quarters of us donâ€™t like most Nollywood movies. Including yours truly. However, some of us still watch shaâ€¦sometimes to kill time, sometimes to kill boredom, most times to just laugh; because nearly all Nollywood movies are comedy, including their fantasy, adventure, action (picture Jim Iyke trying to defuse a bomb made of a St. Louis sugar carton, random wires removed from someoneâ€™s car radio and one of those ancient digital wristwatches we used to wear in primary school) and pretty much every other movie.
However, we also know that half the entire time in Nollywood movies is spent asking (really irrelevant) questions so Iâ€™ve picked out the five silliest questions with the most obvious answers that get asked regularly in Nollywood movies. Enjoy!
The Situation:Â A lady walks into her bedroom only to find her husband/boyfriend/bisexual lover in bed with another lady. She drops her handbag (she always does this, else it is a Kenyawood movie), stares at them with eyes boggling and the man quickly covers his unclothedness (that wasnâ€™t at all in evidence to start with), looking ashamed. The lady asks:
The Question: â€œWhat is going on here?â€
My Answer:Â A deliverance session.
Is it too much to assume the painfully obvious when a man and a woman are under covers, wriggling, their clothes strewn at the foot of the bed (the cameraman never denies us this view) and looking guilty at getting busted to ask that kind of silly question? Are you a learner?
Most Guilty Culprits:Â Ini Edo, Stephanie Okereke, nearly all the older women in Nollywood (apparently, their husbands in movies all have a thing for younger ladies).
Situation:Â A man is reading the newspaper in the room when suddenly, five masked men burst into the sitting room, brandishing guns. He is ordered to lie face-down on the floor while one of the armed men goes into the rooms and drags his wife out and pushes her to the ground beside her husband, threatening death/molestation/fire and brimstone. The trembling lady then asks:
The Question: â€œHoney, who are these people?â€
My Answer:Â Our fellowship brethren.
If you donâ€™t know what armed, masked men means, then either you have been living in bush Ujari (this never got out of my head, thanks to Chukwuemeka Ikeâ€™s bottled leopard) or you just flew in from mars. If I were the man, I would ask for permission from the armed robbers to konk (naija style) small sense into the woman head (and ladies, if your husband asks the same question in the same situation, you should up the ante and give him a slap. I do not take credit for any ruined marriages though).
The Situation:Â A man and his girlfriend/wife/unknown character that may be girlfriend/wife/lover/ashewo are arguing over something really trivial, like who she ran into him in bed with or why he signed over his will to favor his younger brother. Things get heated and before we know whatâ€™s happening, the lady forgets the flat of her palm against the manâ€™s cheek. The guy then asks:
The Question: â€œDid you slap me?â€
My Answer:Â â€œNo, I just kissed your dumb Bottomâ€
Look. This was patently obvious. We saw the hand fly. We heard the traditional â€œpaâ€ that follows the slap that sounds like a slap and only a slap. Fine, most times, the slap is so fake that even we the viewers wonder what just happened. But iâ€™m sure there is a script that details what the lady just did. How necessary is it to ask the question again?
Most Guilty Culprits:Â Desmond Elliot, Chidi Mokoeme, Ramsey Nouah, pretty much every other guy in Nollywood.
The Situation:Â A man in sitting in his office. Suddenly, a man walks in with a gun and points it at him and tells him to say his last prayers. The seated man , shocked out of his senses and sweating profusely musters the courage to ask one question:
The Question: â€œWho are you?â€
My Answer:Â An angel of the Lord.
I canâ€™t imagine what else I would think the man is if someone walks into someoneâ€™s office, does not ask for money or anything valuable, just points a gun at the person and asks the person to say his last prayers if not an assassin. Annoyingly, however, the guy in these movies would then explain who sent him, why, exactly how much he was paid for the job and what he will do with the money. In the meantime, some savior somehow pops up to save said man (usually Jim Iyke or Gentle Jack) in what is one of the most ridiculous plot holes ever. If that is the question you are asking, you probably deserve at least a bullet in the foot.
Most Guilty Culprits:Â Amaechi Muonagor, Clem Ohameze, pretty much every other person that has acted as a rich chief in a Nollywood movie.
The Situation:Â A lady just runs into where a man (most likely Jim Iyke) has just battered the headlights out of his wife and she is still writhing on the ground in pains. The extremely concerned lady rushes over to help her and the first question that flies out of her lips is:
The Question: â€œAre You Okayâ€?
My Answer:Â Never been better, thank you. I just love getting beat up by my husband/boyfriend everyday!
Wait, what is it that could possibly be wrong with the woman lying on the floor? Is the it the black eyes (though, Nollywood movie-wise, we can clearly see the work of gentian violet)? Or the swollen cheek? Or the fake blood on her face? Why wouldnâ€™t she be okay, after all, isnâ€™t that what every wife expects of her husband?
Do you have more? Share with us below!